[ Sylvain's answer is enough to cause her to shift in his arms, untangling their fingers. To face him head on in a way that she may not have the courage to do had she not tried to outpace an imaginary Raphael at the Sarstina. The alcohol in her fuels an already existing desire to have him see that he deserves the world. To convince him that he deserves to be cared for in the way that he extends care to those around him. But how is the question.
Some might say that it's easier for her to quietly and doggedly continue to show him. That over time, she could show him that even if he never cared for her the way he clearly yearned for Claude. But that felt like too much effort and required more patience than drunk Hilda is willing to give at that moment. So if she didn't take the slow and steady route, what did that leave? Brute force?
But that was a terrifying thought too. It also required her to be brave, to bare her own truth too. That felt like a lot from someone who thought she was a coward. But how much more bravery did she need to expend tonight? Did that matter when she had already said as much in the bathroom? ]
That isn't an answer either. What you want does matter. You matter, Sylvain. [ Pink eyes look earnestly, fiercely into amber ones. Her hands find the place over his heart again, curling over his chest as a quiet reminder about what she had admitted earlier. That she wanted him. All of him. ] And I'm saying that as someone who cares for you. Whether that's me or Claude or whoever or whatever - what you want matters.
[ He arches an eyebrow, capturing her hand, holding it against his chest. He tugs her closer, holding her gaze, his own intent. He rolls them, then, until she’s stretched out on the mattress beneath him, pinning her there with his own weight, a knee lodged between her thighs. ]
What if I want everything? I’ve never claimed not to be selfish, Hilda. I’m very selfish, in fact. What if I want you and Claude? What if I want more nights like the ones we spent together before? With you caught between us or one of us there instead. Because I think that was the closest thing to perfect the three of us will ever get.
[ A small breath escapes her lips as she's rolled over staring up at him, skin pebbling at the sudden rush of air as her towel unravels from around her. Cool air is a sharp contrast to the warmth that quickly pools at the pit of her stomach from the action itself. It doesn't even occur to her in that moment to be shy about being naked beneath him, or that he's barely wearing anything himself.
All she can focus on is his words and the sight of him above her.
She's selfish too, she thinks. She's greedy and she hadn't been more aware of it since arriving here. She wants them both. But she's also terrified. The realization is enough to make her balk, to turn tail and run in the other direction now that she's here again. But this feels all too much like she's standing at the edge of the cliff she had dove off with Altair and Diana on in Aquila. What's stopping her from just taking the leap? She had survived that. Surely she can survive this.
But a cliff dive into blue waters is far less intimidating than this. Diving off a cliff wouldn't shatter her soul, her body, her heart. Her feelings for Claude had almost broken her. How is she to survive Sylvain coming to a similar realization that Claude had? That she's not worthy of those affections or wants?
Her hands reach up to cup his face, her fingers running gently over his cheek with adoration. What she says is as much for herself as it is for him. ]
Then you shouldn't be afraid to take or ask for those things. But you also can't be afraid if ask the same in return.
[ This is the same as the fear she had voiced to him earlier, isn't it? It's just wrapped up in different trappings, stemmed from different sources of hurt and worry. She can't help but give him a sad, understanding smile. ]
If that's what you're worried about, you can't disappoint anyone worse than me. You're amazing, Sylvain. I wish I cared about people half as much as you did. I wish I was as smart and attentive as you.
[ Sometimes her care felt put on. Like it was an exaggeration of the façade she built for others so they'd help her, take pity on her when she flashed them her doe eyes, so they'd never think to expect anything of her except hapless damsel. Clearly that dishonesty and burden is the reason why Claude had let Sylvain through his defences and why he had turned her away for those more capable than her. The sliver of hurt that had remained lodged in her heart like a splinter buries itself deeper. Her eyes search his face, her thumb continuing to brush gently over his cheek. ]
I won't be disappointed by what you have to show me. Claude probably won't either. [ Her other hand goes to brush gently against the earring, the flash of gold and green that now adorned his ear. It lingers there along with her gaze. They had already decided, she thinks. Sylvain spoke of wanting them both, but perhaps that's a kindness too, just for this moment. ] I'm not him but...I knew him well enough to know that the only disappointing person in his life was me. And if you're selfish, then what am I? I don't want you if it isn't all of you.
[ Perhaps that was what she really meant to say that day in his room. Letting that truth slip from her tongue is what it feels like to dive right off a proverbial cliff. ]
Don't be afraid of being honest with Claude, okay?
Hilda, there’s never been an ‘after’ with me. [ His voice holds a dry note of humor as he shakes his head slightly. ] That’s not what people are interested in me for. Or if they are, it’s been for all the worst reasons.
[ He leans into the warmth of her hand for a moment, feeling her fingers brush against the hoop of his earring. But then she says that and he spares a moment to roll his eyes up towards the ceiling. Likely begging the Goddess for patience in dealing with these two stubborn idiots. ]
You know. [ he starts that mildly enough, letting his gaze drop back to her face, one eyebrow arching upwards. ] I’m pretty sure the only person he’s disappointed in is himself. Because he thinks he can never be the person you want. And it’s gutted him.
[ Claude’s going to murder him if this ever gets back to him. He’s 100% sure he was never supposed to repeat that to Hilda, but Sylvain’s about at the end of his rope when it comes to both of them.
But he lets it go there, hopes she’ll mull that over, maybe rethink some things. He can’t fix them but he can keep trying to nudge them where he can. Until they tell him to stop or he pisses them off too far, he supposes.
He bends his head down to rest his forehead against hers again, still crouching over her on the bed and caging her in beneath him. ]
And that’s not selfish, sweetheart. I’m pretty sure that’s pretty normal, actually. But I mostly wish you could see yourself the way we see you. Because you’re amazing all on your own, just as you are. [ He brushes a kiss against the tip of her nose, not missing that admission from her, a complete contradiction to what she’d told him before.
Being honest rarely got him anywhere good, however. He has plenty of experience to back up that understanding. ]
[ What he says confuses her. There's nothing she can think of that she would gain from wanting Sylvain. They aren't in Fodlan; there are no lands to join or politics to play. If there is anything that either of them would be gaining here in Abraxas, it would be Sylvain gaining a burden in the form of her.
Sincerity turns to annoyance when she spots Sylvain's eyeroll heavenward. Here she is trying to be serious and he's rolling his eyes at something she'd said. She barely has enough time to comprehend what he says about Claude being disappointed that he isn't what she wants him to be but she does have enough sense to immediately pinch Sylvain's cheek. Why did it feel like he was laughing at her? If Sylvain thought Claude was going to murder him, he might not even get that far if she murdered him first. There's some heat to her voice as she tugs at his cheek partly aimed at his eyeroll and partly fuelled by a truth she's since convinced herself of. ]
He doesn't care what I think because I don't mean anything to him. He made that pretty clear.
[ But she cared what Claude thought of her. That's why it had hurt so much to hear that he thought she had no substance and had nothing between her ears except air. Even that hadn't been enough to stop her from admiring him for who he was even after understanding that he made himself difficult to get to know by design. So did Sylvain, she realizes hazily. Is that why they both didn't want her? Because she was just a pretty thing to be put on a shelf with no other useful skills to speak of? Because she didn't have a brave, bleeding heart? Or was it because she wasn't some intriguing puzzle to solve?
Before she can question it further he's closing the space between them and her breath catches in her throat. Her hand relinquishes his cheek, going instead to slide into the hair at the nape of his neck. She tells herself her breathlessness has nothing to do with his question or the way she can make out the golden flecks in his eyes, and that she's just caught off guard. ]
That depends. Do you think I'm interested in you for the wrong reasons the way that others are?
[ That answer, at least, comes immediately. Succinct and honest.
He lets his eyes slide shut when she slides fingers into his hair, tangling them there in way that almost always has him going boneless at the feeling. ]
No, you’re nothing like the others, Hilda. You’ve always been special.
[ Being called special isn't new. So often it fell from people's lips when they were fawning over her, to the point where it bounced off of her like the word meant nothing at all. After all, it isn't like she thinks she's anything special. They only saw what she presented to them: a delicate flower all soft without a care in the world.
But hearing the word from Sylvain's lips, she can't help but feel like it means something. Or maybe that's her heart yearning for something she can't have again. ]
So if I'm not like the others, [ If Claude isn't anything like the others - ] and you know how I feel about you and that I won't be disappointed, then what's stopping you from what you want?
[ Her fingers curl into his hair, tugging lightly signaling that he should open his eyes to look at her. If he does, he'll see that her gaze is soft. Pleading. ]
There's nothing to be afraid of.
[ She can no longer tell if she's trying to convince him or convince herself. Maybe it's both even though she knows better than to listen to her own advice. ]
[ His eyes open in time to meet her own pleading look, holding her gaze for a moment. He debates his answer to that, since just because she isn’t like the others doesn’t change what he’s like. It hasn’t ruled out the inevitable crash of reality that’s still looming in his future. But he knows she’s not going to accept that answer right now anyway. Not until it’s real.
So instead he bends his head closer to hers, his lips hovering over her own. ]
Then what are you afraid of, Hilda? What’s stopping you from taking what you want?
[ Another version of her would sink back against the pillows as if that would somehow put more space between her and the thing she wants. That would be the rational, right thing to do. It's what this version of her should be doing, really. But she can't tear herself away, nor can she get the image of him sitting on his bed sadder than she had ever seen him out of her head.
His earring catches in the light acting as a reminder that he had already decided on someone else far more brilliant and bright than her. And despite that her body arches instinctively towards him. Maybe it's the alcohol that makes her braver than she is, or maybe it's the act of having already leapt that makes it easier to leave just a hair's breadth between their lips. ]
You asking me for my heart too.
[ She wants this to be real too. Not just a kindness, not just a desire. Real. Honest. ]
[ Hilda doesn't flinch, even though yes, it some ways that does scare her. Terrifies her in fact. But that's not what she had meant when she said it. ]
No, that's what's stopping me from taking what I want.
[ Her hand cards gently through his hair, voice quiet but steady. ]
I told you I was selfish too. I want all of you. I want to know you want all of me too.
[ And if he didn't then she would survive. She could live through a broken heart, couldn't she? So long as she knew that the two people that were the most important to her here in Abraxas were happy that's all that mattered to her. ]
[ Was it a bad sign he felt guilty already? Probably. She deserved better than this. Better than him. If he gave her anything of him, it was just going to blow the door open that much wider for him to fuck this up.
But he also hadn’t been lying when he’d told her he had a hard time denying her anything. That was still true. He still wanted this, even if he knew there was no way this could end well. At best, he could find a way to mitigate the damage to her when it did. Maybe by then she and Claude would be talking again, closer. At least his inevitable screw up might do some good. He tries not to think of all the ways it could make it so much worse. ]
I want everything you’re willing to give me, Hilda. [That much, at least, is still the truth. He slides a finger along her jaw, keeping her face directed towards him. ] But I want a promise from you.
[ It isn't the answer she hopes for. It's another side step around a hazy truth that she's been going back and forth on ever since that day. That doesn't give her anymore clarity. His avoidance only urges the sliver of hurt a little bit deeper, like it hadn't already made it all the way through her heart and taken root. Could hurt compound like that? It certainly felt that way.
She tries not to let it show even as she lets her back fall against the mattress again. ]
[ He can practically taste her disappointment like a bitter bite on the back of his tongue. He almost laughs - not in humor, but because he’d managed to avoid picking up on what that particular emotion felt like since he’d gotten this strange magical ability. Ironic, when it had once been the emotion he recognized first and the most often, if only from so much frequent exposure to it.
He definitely didn’t like it any better now that he could feel it compounded by magic.
Hating that he was already fucking this up, he rethinks what he’d been about to ask her and eventually just shakes his head, shoulders slumping a little. He was tired of constantly making this worse, even if that felt like it was all he’d been doing for weeks now. With both Claude and her.
So instead, he just casts her a small smile and gathers her up in his arms again, rolling over onto his side so he can go back to cuddling her. He presses a kiss to her forehead, wrapping snugly around her. ]
Nevermind. It’s not important. I know that wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear, though. I’ll try and do better. Because you do deserve everything. I’m just… not sure there’s enough of me to fill that up.
[ The smile that follows the slump of his shoulders doesn't go unnoticed and she frowns even as she's tucked carefully into his arms and brought close to his chest again.
Of course she had been disappointed in the response, but that didn't mean that she was disappointed in him. Just because she had already tempered her expectations, had been half expecting him to hesitate because she's convinced his feelings are for Claude - someone who is vastly deserving of his affections, didn't mean that she faulted him for it. She no longer had the energy to play a woman scorned despite what her jealous, wanting heart urged her to do. ]
Stop that. You're enough, Sylvain - it's me that isn't.
[ She shifts herself up the mattress so she's eye level with him. Despite the unwavering resolve in her gaze, the pleading look still remains. ]
Please tell me what it is. It's important to me. You're important to me.
[ His fingers catch her chin between his thumb and forefinger, holding her still. ]
If I can’t say it, you’re not allowed to, either. You’re so much more than you know, Hilda. It’s a travesty that you don’t seem to know that. [ Which baffles him a little, actually. He knows this isn’t an act like he would suspect of so many playing at it, but he can feel it emanating from her and he hated that she felt she wasn’t enough.
He’s still not sure asking what he’s about to is a good idea. This could backfire horribly, just as so many of his other attempts have lately. But he can’t back out of it again without making her feel bad so he takes a deep breath and braces himself for her reaction. ]
I want you to talk to Claude. Like this. A genuine conversation, nothing but honesty between you. I know it’s not the same, but I think it’s important you both try. [ He slides his thumb against her jaw, his dark eyes searching her face, a shadow of sadness lurking there. ] You’re important to me, too. Both of you are. And it’s killing me that you both are still so hurt. I think you’re both aching from missing the other, but that’s not going to change if you two keep pretending the other one doesn’t exist.
Me? [ Her lips quirk as if that idea is somehow inherently funny. Had she been more herself, that's all it would have been too. Instead it falls flat turning out a little more sad than she intends. ] I'm just Holst's little sister.
[ She's never held any resentment towards Holst for his effortless existence. Exasperation towards his exuberance towards her? Yes. Staggering annoyance when he became an overbearing big brother to the point where she had been relieved when he had sent her away to Garreg Mach because it was like the first taste of freedom she'd had in a very long time? Yes. But he had never showered her with anything but love. Never treated her with anything but smothering affection and kindness. She balked at his unwavering belief in her but she chalked that up to being blood related and her being his precious little sister.
Expectations are a fearsome beast more terrifying than any man or demonic beast she's encountered. She hadn't expected this promise to hide one too. Silence passes between them as she feels the familiar fear drape its claws over her shoulders. Hilda knows that she has to respond. After all, she had asked him to tell her. Her eyes flutter shut unable to look at him, body almost slumping with dejection. ]
It feels easier to be honest with you.
[ The admission passes easily from her lips - although that too would be a hard pressed admission if the circumstances were different. But it's true. Being with him here like this feels so easy it makes her heart ache. The chasm between them isn't as wide, isn't wrought with history like it is with Claude. ]
I'm scared to talk with him. We haven't talked in a long time. I'm not sure I know how to anymore. [ That isn't an answer either. She realizes belatedly she's stalling. ] Are you going to be disappointed with me if I don't try? I'm not brave like you.
I don’t give a damn abut Holst. [ His voice is dry, but genuine, as he gives her hair a light tug, still holding her gaze with his. ] As far as I’m concerned, he’s just Hilda’s big brother and other than mildly concerned he might try to punch me into next week if he ever learns I’ve had my hands - and my mouth - on his precious baby sister, he’s not important here.
[ He lets his hands slide down to cup to either side of her cheeks, his grip warm but gentle. ] No, sweetheart, I’m not going to be disappointed in you. Sad for you, yes, because I know how much you hurt and I want to do whatever I can to ease that ache. But I can’t fix this, sweet, this isn’t a wound I can heal for you.
But you’re wrong. You are brave. I understand being frightened to talk to him again, when it hurt so much the last time. But sweetheart, being brave doesn’t mean not being scared anymore. It just means you do what’s important even when you are scared of what will happen. And I think, even now, you know how important he is to you. I know how important you are to him, too. It’s why I want this so badly, for both of you. I’d even offer to come with you, if that would make it easier for you, if you needed a hand to hold, but I also don’t want to be in your way, or make it more uncomfortable.
[ The reminder about what they'd done combined with Holst's reaction if he ever found out is both terrifying and funny to think about. She can't help but let out a pained laugh in response as her eyes open to look at him. Because despite her initial, regrettable response, she doesn't regret the night in the maze.
In response to his hands gently holding her cheeks, her hands reach out, tangling themselves into his hair so she can bring their foreheads to touch. ]
He won't punch you into next week if I have anything to say about it. I'll protect you, Sylvain Jose Gautier.
[ Amusement and conviction are quick to flee though. His belief in her sounded all too much like expectation too and fear's claws press a little more lightly into her shoulders. She gives a brief, hollow laugh. ]
I was just hoping time would heal it.
[ She had, after all decorated it with shiny pretty distractions like the facade would also trick her into believing she was okay. But she knows that asking him or asking anyone else to fix this thing between her and Claude would be yet another selfish burden. Not that she thinks there's anything that can be salvaged or fixed but that's neither here nor there.
Sylvian mentioning how important he knows she is to Claude skips like a record in her mind, as if she's convinced herself that isn't the truth like so many other "truths" she's convinced herself of. ]
You wouldn't be in our way. You've already put up with us more than anyone should. [ Her fingers tenderly play with his hair, voice growing quiet again. ] But if that's your definition of brave, you should be honest with him too. If I talk to him, you won't have anything to worry about after that.
[ If talking to Claude would make it more comfortable for Sylvain then maybe she could do it. Not for herself but for someone else she cared for. ]
Good. Because big brothers sort of hate me on principle and yours is especially scary.
[ There’s a hint of raw irony in that statement, even though he specifically implies it’s just about other people’s big bothers. Then again, with his reputation, that wouldn’t be surprising either.
He bumps his forehead likely against hers, resting there against he. He lets one hand slide down but only as far as to stroke along her spine. He can feel her fear, and wraps around her a little more snugly in response, cradling her against him, as if that alone could protect her from anything that frightened her. ]
Well, you both have also been putting up with me all these months, so I think we’re more than even.
[ He tries to ignore the pang of dread he feels at her offhand comment. Yeah, if she talked to Claude and resolved things… he was pretty sure his part in all this would be officially done, so she was probably right. Why worry when he couldn’t change where this was headed anyway? ]
Besides. I have been honest with him. Maybe even too much.
Can you blame them when you've got such a handsome face?
[ She grins cheekily at him making her look a little more like herself. Looking like herself also comes hand in hand with remaining blissfully and completely unaware about what the irony is really directed towards. In true Hilda form she prattles on, momentarily swept away by the happy thought. ]
They just worry that you're gonna take off with their younger siblings before they have a chance to get to know the real you. Talk about an exciting love story though - running off together just so you can be with the person you love. I always thought that was so romantic. I'd like to do that someday.
[ But for that story to be written she'd need to find someone who loved her back, wouldn't she? And that would require letting herself care deeply for another and opening herself up to more expectations. More pointed looks of disappointment. Perhaps that's better left for her daydreams.
Her smile dims a beat later at his words. Trying to ignore the hollowness in her chest, she swallows. It's a warning she knows unfortunately all too well: the confirmation that this might be the admission of what she had seen in front of her the whole time. In this case it's that Sylvain cared for Claude and Claude returned those feelings. Everything Sylvain had told her in the past about them not being actually together - that must be a kindness too, right? She has eyes. She knows Claude. Knew him.
Fiercely she reminds herself that she'll have to live with this feeling, learn how to slowly fill it with happier, brighter things if she's meant to reconcile with Claude so she can step aside and leave a clear path for Sylvain. And she's good at that, isn't she? Delusion is one of the few things she's good at. ]
Don't sound so bummed out about it - honesty is a good thing. [ Her lips quirk tentatively like she's trying to praise him. There's a pause that follows, worry coating the split second of silence before she pushes through, words tripping over one another. ] What did you tell him? Unless that's too personal then never mind. I don't want to cause trouble between you two.
I can blame them when their first target for punching me into next week is my handsome face. [ It’s a cheeky retort, even if its true enough.
But her confession and the way she sort of dims after she speaks it aloud, shrinking back into herself, has him tightening his hold around her once more as he presses a kiss to her brow. ]
Well. I think this certainly counts as running off somewhere far away, even if it hadn’t been completely voluntary. And you have me and Claude here with you. ] He slides his fingers against her jaw in a light caress. ] As difficult as things may be for the moment, I know he still loves you, Hilda. And I… [ Another pause as he lets his thumb drift over the soft skin of her lips. ] I happen to adore you way more than I probably should. Enough to tempt me to throw my common sense out the window despite all the consequences. You tempt me to be selfish, sweet. Greedy. You have no idea, all the things I want to do to you. With you.
[ He’d distracted himself now, forgetting what else she’d asked. In that moment, it didn’t seem all that important. ]
[ Another declaration of how she'll take care of him is on her lips when she's pulled closer to his chest.
When he compares Abraxas to the equivalent of running away together, the intrusive thought that this is all just another form of kindness surfaces. That this is a way to help soothe the sadness that has settled deep in her bones. It surely can't be an admission of something she hopes for because hope had been her downfall this entire time. Whatever it is, it works because she can slowly feel cold ebb from her body.
A half-hearted laugh threatens to bubble from her lips when he says that Claude loves her like it's a funny joke of some kind. He doesn't, she reminds herself. He can't. Because that would make this all the more strange and awful. She hasn't forgotten her question, and it doesn't go unnoticed that he didn't answer it. What isn't certain is if he's avoiding it for a reason. It's hard for her to stay focused on that when her breath catches in her throat as his thumb ghosts her lips. Her own eyes flit towards his and without thinking she raises a finger to his lips, mimicking his action. Goddess, she's so easily distracted. ]
What other consequences are there? I already told you I'd protect you from Holst.
[ She can't help but say it with an amused lilt. Her heart beats loudly in her chest as her finger rounds the plush curve of his bottom lip contemplating what she says next. She can't bring herself to look into his gaze, all too aware that she could very well drown in soulful, warm amber so she keeps her eyes trained on his lips instead. ]
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Some might say that it's easier for her to quietly and doggedly continue to show him. That over time, she could show him that even if he never cared for her the way he clearly yearned for Claude. But that felt like too much effort and required more patience than drunk Hilda is willing to give at that moment. So if she didn't take the slow and steady route, what did that leave? Brute force?
But that was a terrifying thought too. It also required her to be brave, to bare her own truth too. That felt like a lot from someone who thought she was a coward. But how much more bravery did she need to expend tonight? Did that matter when she had already said as much in the bathroom? ]
That isn't an answer either. What you want does matter. You matter, Sylvain. [ Pink eyes look earnestly, fiercely into amber ones. Her hands find the place over his heart again, curling over his chest as a quiet reminder about what she had admitted earlier. That she wanted him. All of him. ] And I'm saying that as someone who cares for you. Whether that's me or Claude or whoever or whatever - what you want matters.
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[ He arches an eyebrow, capturing her hand, holding it against his chest. He tugs her closer, holding her gaze, his own intent. He rolls them, then, until she’s stretched out on the mattress beneath him, pinning her there with his own weight, a knee lodged between her thighs. ]
What if I want everything? I’ve never claimed not to be selfish, Hilda. I’m very selfish, in fact. What if I want you and Claude? What if I want more nights like the ones we spent together before? With you caught between us or one of us there instead. Because I think that was the closest thing to perfect the three of us will ever get.
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All she can focus on is his words and the sight of him above her.
She's selfish too, she thinks. She's greedy and she hadn't been more aware of it since arriving here. She wants them both. But she's also terrified. The realization is enough to make her balk, to turn tail and run in the other direction now that she's here again. But this feels all too much like she's standing at the edge of the cliff she had dove off with Altair and Diana on in Aquila. What's stopping her from just taking the leap? She had survived that. Surely she can survive this.
But a cliff dive into blue waters is far less intimidating than this. Diving off a cliff wouldn't shatter her soul, her body, her heart. Her feelings for Claude had almost broken her. How is she to survive Sylvain coming to a similar realization that Claude had? That she's not worthy of those affections or wants?
Her hands reach up to cup his face, her fingers running gently over his cheek with adoration. What she says is as much for herself as it is for him. ]
Then you shouldn't be afraid to take or ask for those things. But you also can't be afraid if ask the same in return.
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[ He turns his head jut enough to catch her hand against his lips, pressing light kisses to her fingertips as he gives a quiet, almost weary sigh. ]
I just don’t want to see you disappointed.
[ Because that’s inevitable, even if he’ll try to delay it as long as possible. With both of them. ]
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[ This is the same as the fear she had voiced to him earlier, isn't it? It's just wrapped up in different trappings, stemmed from different sources of hurt and worry. She can't help but give him a sad, understanding smile. ]
If that's what you're worried about, you can't disappoint anyone worse than me. You're amazing, Sylvain. I wish I cared about people half as much as you did. I wish I was as smart and attentive as you.
[ Sometimes her care felt put on. Like it was an exaggeration of the façade she built for others so they'd help her, take pity on her when she flashed them her doe eyes, so they'd never think to expect anything of her except hapless damsel. Clearly that dishonesty and burden is the reason why Claude had let Sylvain through his defences and why he had turned her away for those more capable than her. The sliver of hurt that had remained lodged in her heart like a splinter buries itself deeper. Her eyes search his face, her thumb continuing to brush gently over his cheek. ]
I won't be disappointed by what you have to show me. Claude probably won't either. [ Her other hand goes to brush gently against the earring, the flash of gold and green that now adorned his ear. It lingers there along with her gaze. They had already decided, she thinks. Sylvain spoke of wanting them both, but perhaps that's a kindness too, just for this moment. ] I'm not him but...I knew him well enough to know that the only disappointing person in his life was me. And if you're selfish, then what am I? I don't want you if it isn't all of you.
[ Perhaps that was what she really meant to say that day in his room. Letting that truth slip from her tongue is what it feels like to dive right off a proverbial cliff. ]
Don't be afraid of being honest with Claude, okay?
no subject
[ He leans into the warmth of her hand for a moment, feeling her fingers brush against the hoop of his earring. But then she says that and he spares a moment to roll his eyes up towards the ceiling. Likely begging the Goddess for patience in dealing with these two stubborn idiots. ]
You know. [ he starts that mildly enough, letting his gaze drop back to her face, one eyebrow arching upwards. ] I’m pretty sure the only person he’s disappointed in is himself. Because he thinks he can never be the person you want. And it’s gutted him.
[ Claude’s going to murder him if this ever gets back to him. He’s 100% sure he was never supposed to repeat that to Hilda, but Sylvain’s about at the end of his rope when it comes to both of them.
But he lets it go there, hopes she’ll mull that over, maybe rethink some things. He can’t fix them but he can keep trying to nudge them where he can. Until they tell him to stop or he pisses them off too far, he supposes.
He bends his head down to rest his forehead against hers again, still crouching over her on the bed and caging her in beneath him. ]
And that’s not selfish, sweetheart. I’m pretty sure that’s pretty normal, actually. But I mostly wish you could see yourself the way we see you. Because you’re amazing all on your own, just as you are. [ He brushes a kiss against the tip of her nose, not missing that admission from her, a complete contradiction to what she’d told him before.
Being honest rarely got him anywhere good, however. He has plenty of experience to back up that understanding. ]
Are you still afraid to be honest with me?
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Sincerity turns to annoyance when she spots Sylvain's eyeroll heavenward. Here she is trying to be serious and he's rolling his eyes at something she'd said. She barely has enough time to comprehend what he says about Claude being disappointed that he isn't what she wants him to be but she does have enough sense to immediately pinch Sylvain's cheek. Why did it feel like he was laughing at her? If Sylvain thought Claude was going to murder him, he might not even get that far if she murdered him first. There's some heat to her voice as she tugs at his cheek partly aimed at his eyeroll and partly fuelled by a truth she's since convinced herself of. ]
He doesn't care what I think because I don't mean anything to him. He made that pretty clear.
[ But she cared what Claude thought of her. That's why it had hurt so much to hear that he thought she had no substance and had nothing between her ears except air. Even that hadn't been enough to stop her from admiring him for who he was even after understanding that he made himself difficult to get to know by design. So did Sylvain, she realizes hazily. Is that why they both didn't want her? Because she was just a pretty thing to be put on a shelf with no other useful skills to speak of? Because she didn't have a brave, bleeding heart? Or was it because she wasn't some intriguing puzzle to solve?
Before she can question it further he's closing the space between them and her breath catches in her throat. Her hand relinquishes his cheek, going instead to slide into the hair at the nape of his neck. She tells herself her breathlessness has nothing to do with his question or the way she can make out the golden flecks in his eyes, and that she's just caught off guard. ]
That depends. Do you think I'm interested in you for the wrong reasons the way that others are?
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[ That answer, at least, comes immediately. Succinct and honest.
He lets his eyes slide shut when she slides fingers into his hair, tangling them there in way that almost always has him going boneless at the feeling. ]
No, you’re nothing like the others, Hilda. You’ve always been special.
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But hearing the word from Sylvain's lips, she can't help but feel like it means something. Or maybe that's her heart yearning for something she can't have again. ]
So if I'm not like the others, [ If Claude isn't anything like the others - ] and you know how I feel about you and that I won't be disappointed, then what's stopping you from what you want?
[ Her fingers curl into his hair, tugging lightly signaling that he should open his eyes to look at her. If he does, he'll see that her gaze is soft. Pleading. ]
There's nothing to be afraid of.
[ She can no longer tell if she's trying to convince him or convince herself. Maybe it's both even though she knows better than to listen to her own advice. ]
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So instead he bends his head closer to hers, his lips hovering over her own. ]
Then what are you afraid of, Hilda? What’s stopping you from taking what you want?
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His earring catches in the light acting as a reminder that he had already decided on someone else far more brilliant and bright than her. And despite that her body arches instinctively towards him. Maybe it's the alcohol that makes her braver than she is, or maybe it's the act of having already leapt that makes it easier to leave just a hair's breadth between their lips. ]
You asking me for my heart too.
[ She wants this to be real too. Not just a kindness, not just a desire. Real. Honest. ]
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That’s what you’re afraid of?
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No, that's what's stopping me from taking what I want.
[ Her hand cards gently through his hair, voice quiet but steady. ]
I told you I was selfish too. I want all of you. I want to know you want all of me too.
[ And if he didn't then she would survive. She could live through a broken heart, couldn't she? So long as she knew that the two people that were the most important to her here in Abraxas were happy that's all that mattered to her. ]
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But he also hadn’t been lying when he’d told her he had a hard time denying her anything. That was still true. He still wanted this, even if he knew there was no way this could end well. At best, he could find a way to mitigate the damage to her when it did. Maybe by then she and Claude would be talking again, closer. At least his inevitable screw up might do some good. He tries not to think of all the ways it could make it so much worse. ]
I want everything you’re willing to give me, Hilda. [That much, at least, is still the truth. He slides a finger along her jaw, keeping her face directed towards him. ] But I want a promise from you.
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She tries not to let it show even as she lets her back fall against the mattress again. ]
What is it?
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He definitely didn’t like it any better now that he could feel it compounded by magic.
Hating that he was already fucking this up, he rethinks what he’d been about to ask her and eventually just shakes his head, shoulders slumping a little. He was tired of constantly making this worse, even if that felt like it was all he’d been doing for weeks now. With both Claude and her.
So instead, he just casts her a small smile and gathers her up in his arms again, rolling over onto his side so he can go back to cuddling her. He presses a kiss to her forehead, wrapping snugly around her. ]
Nevermind. It’s not important. I know that wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear, though. I’ll try and do better. Because you do deserve everything. I’m just… not sure there’s enough of me to fill that up.
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Of course she had been disappointed in the response, but that didn't mean that she was disappointed in him. Just because she had already tempered her expectations, had been half expecting him to hesitate because she's convinced his feelings are for Claude - someone who is vastly deserving of his affections, didn't mean that she faulted him for it. She no longer had the energy to play a woman scorned despite what her jealous, wanting heart urged her to do. ]
Stop that. You're enough, Sylvain - it's me that isn't.
[ She shifts herself up the mattress so she's eye level with him. Despite the unwavering resolve in her gaze, the pleading look still remains. ]
Please tell me what it is. It's important to me. You're important to me.
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If I can’t say it, you’re not allowed to, either. You’re so much more than you know, Hilda. It’s a travesty that you don’t seem to know that. [ Which baffles him a little, actually. He knows this isn’t an act like he would suspect of so many playing at it, but he can feel it emanating from her and he hated that she felt she wasn’t enough.
He’s still not sure asking what he’s about to is a good idea. This could backfire horribly, just as so many of his other attempts have lately. But he can’t back out of it again without making her feel bad so he takes a deep breath and braces himself for her reaction. ]
I want you to talk to Claude. Like this. A genuine conversation, nothing but honesty between you. I know it’s not the same, but I think it’s important you both try. [ He slides his thumb against her jaw, his dark eyes searching her face, a shadow of sadness lurking there. ] You’re important to me, too. Both of you are. And it’s killing me that you both are still so hurt. I think you’re both aching from missing the other, but that’s not going to change if you two keep pretending the other one doesn’t exist.
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[ She's never held any resentment towards Holst for his effortless existence. Exasperation towards his exuberance towards her? Yes. Staggering annoyance when he became an overbearing big brother to the point where she had been relieved when he had sent her away to Garreg Mach because it was like the first taste of freedom she'd had in a very long time? Yes. But he had never showered her with anything but love. Never treated her with anything but smothering affection and kindness. She balked at his unwavering belief in her but she chalked that up to being blood related and her being his precious little sister.
Expectations are a fearsome beast more terrifying than any man or demonic beast she's encountered. She hadn't expected this promise to hide one too. Silence passes between them as she feels the familiar fear drape its claws over her shoulders. Hilda knows that she has to respond. After all, she had asked him to tell her. Her eyes flutter shut unable to look at him, body almost slumping with dejection. ]
It feels easier to be honest with you.
[ The admission passes easily from her lips - although that too would be a hard pressed admission if the circumstances were different. But it's true. Being with him here like this feels so easy it makes her heart ache. The chasm between them isn't as wide, isn't wrought with history like it is with Claude. ]
I'm scared to talk with him. We haven't talked in a long time. I'm not sure I know how to anymore. [ That isn't an answer either. She realizes belatedly she's stalling. ] Are you going to be disappointed with me if I don't try? I'm not brave like you.
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[ He lets his hands slide down to cup to either side of her cheeks, his grip warm but gentle. ] No, sweetheart, I’m not going to be disappointed in you. Sad for you, yes, because I know how much you hurt and I want to do whatever I can to ease that ache. But I can’t fix this, sweet, this isn’t a wound I can heal for you.
But you’re wrong. You are brave. I understand being frightened to talk to him again, when it hurt so much the last time. But sweetheart, being brave doesn’t mean not being scared anymore. It just means you do what’s important even when you are scared of what will happen. And I think, even now, you know how important he is to you. I know how important you are to him, too. It’s why I want this so badly, for both of you. I’d even offer to come with you, if that would make it easier for you, if you needed a hand to hold, but I also don’t want to be in your way, or make it more uncomfortable.
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In response to his hands gently holding her cheeks, her hands reach out, tangling themselves into his hair so she can bring their foreheads to touch. ]
He won't punch you into next week if I have anything to say about it. I'll protect you, Sylvain Jose Gautier.
[ Amusement and conviction are quick to flee though. His belief in her sounded all too much like expectation too and fear's claws press a little more lightly into her shoulders. She gives a brief, hollow laugh. ]
I was just hoping time would heal it.
[ She had, after all decorated it with shiny pretty distractions like the facade would also trick her into believing she was okay. But she knows that asking him or asking anyone else to fix this thing between her and Claude would be yet another selfish burden. Not that she thinks there's anything that can be salvaged or fixed but that's neither here nor there.
Sylvian mentioning how important he knows she is to Claude skips like a record in her mind, as if she's convinced herself that isn't the truth like so many other "truths" she's convinced herself of. ]
You wouldn't be in our way. You've already put up with us more than anyone should. [ Her fingers tenderly play with his hair, voice growing quiet again. ] But if that's your definition of brave, you should be honest with him too. If I talk to him, you won't have anything to worry about after that.
[ If talking to Claude would make it more comfortable for Sylvain then maybe she could do it. Not for herself but for someone else she cared for. ]
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[ There’s a hint of raw irony in that statement, even though he specifically implies it’s just about other people’s big bothers. Then again, with his reputation, that wouldn’t be surprising either.
He bumps his forehead likely against hers, resting there against he. He lets one hand slide down but only as far as to stroke along her spine. He can feel her fear, and wraps around her a little more snugly in response, cradling her against him, as if that alone could protect her from anything that frightened her. ]
Well, you both have also been putting up with me all these months, so I think we’re more than even.
[ He tries to ignore the pang of dread he feels at her offhand comment. Yeah, if she talked to Claude and resolved things… he was pretty sure his part in all this would be officially done, so she was probably right. Why worry when he couldn’t change where this was headed anyway? ]
Besides. I have been honest with him. Maybe even too much.
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[ She grins cheekily at him making her look a little more like herself. Looking like herself also comes hand in hand with remaining blissfully and completely unaware about what the irony is really directed towards. In true Hilda form she prattles on, momentarily swept away by the happy thought. ]
They just worry that you're gonna take off with their younger siblings before they have a chance to get to know the real you. Talk about an exciting love story though - running off together just so you can be with the person you love. I always thought that was so romantic. I'd like to do that someday.
[ But for that story to be written she'd need to find someone who loved her back, wouldn't she? And that would require letting herself care deeply for another and opening herself up to more expectations. More pointed looks of disappointment. Perhaps that's better left for her daydreams.
Her smile dims a beat later at his words. Trying to ignore the hollowness in her chest, she swallows. It's a warning she knows unfortunately all too well: the confirmation that this might be the admission of what she had seen in front of her the whole time. In this case it's that Sylvain cared for Claude and Claude returned those feelings. Everything Sylvain had told her in the past about them not being actually together - that must be a kindness too, right? She has eyes. She knows Claude. Knew him.
Fiercely she reminds herself that she'll have to live with this feeling, learn how to slowly fill it with happier, brighter things if she's meant to reconcile with Claude so she can step aside and leave a clear path for Sylvain. And she's good at that, isn't she? Delusion is one of the few things she's good at. ]
Don't sound so bummed out about it - honesty is a good thing. [ Her lips quirk tentatively like she's trying to praise him. There's a pause that follows, worry coating the split second of silence before she pushes through, words tripping over one another. ] What did you tell him? Unless that's too personal then never mind. I don't want to cause trouble between you two.
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But her confession and the way she sort of dims after she speaks it aloud, shrinking back into herself, has him tightening his hold around her once more as he presses a kiss to her brow. ]
Well. I think this certainly counts as running off somewhere far away, even if it hadn’t been completely voluntary. And you have me and Claude here with you. ] He slides his fingers against her jaw in a light caress. ] As difficult as things may be for the moment, I know he still loves you, Hilda. And I… [ Another pause as he lets his thumb drift over the soft skin of her lips. ] I happen to adore you way more than I probably should. Enough to tempt me to throw my common sense out the window despite all the consequences. You tempt me to be selfish, sweet. Greedy. You have no idea, all the things I want to do to you. With you.
[ He’d distracted himself now, forgetting what else she’d asked. In that moment, it didn’t seem all that important. ]
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When he compares Abraxas to the equivalent of running away together, the intrusive thought that this is all just another form of kindness surfaces. That this is a way to help soothe the sadness that has settled deep in her bones. It surely can't be an admission of something she hopes for because hope had been her downfall this entire time. Whatever it is, it works because she can slowly feel cold ebb from her body.
A half-hearted laugh threatens to bubble from her lips when he says that Claude loves her like it's a funny joke of some kind. He doesn't, she reminds herself. He can't. Because that would make this all the more strange and awful. She hasn't forgotten her question, and it doesn't go unnoticed that he didn't answer it. What isn't certain is if he's avoiding it for a reason. It's hard for her to stay focused on that when her breath catches in her throat as his thumb ghosts her lips. Her own eyes flit towards his and without thinking she raises a finger to his lips, mimicking his action. Goddess, she's so easily distracted. ]
What other consequences are there? I already told you I'd protect you from Holst.
[ She can't help but say it with an amused lilt. Her heart beats loudly in her chest as her finger rounds the plush curve of his bottom lip contemplating what she says next. She can't bring herself to look into his gaze, all too aware that she could very well drown in soulful, warm amber so she keeps her eyes trained on his lips instead. ]
What sorts of things?
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tagging this nsfw just in case lalala
Will they? Won’t they? WHO KNOWS
IT’S A MYSTERY!!
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